When I was younger, I was so anxious to be doing the right thing in sex – to be seen to know what I was doing and to be a good lover, and to be desirable. Given that I didn’t feel that any of these things were true, it was usually an anxiety producing experience!
Any sense of needing to perform kills good sex. Good sex requires intimacy. When deep intimacy exists between you and your partner, sex can leave you feeling truly loved, seen and free to express yourself in all your magnificence. If sex isn’t doing that for you right now, these 4 tips will help you to connect more intimately with your partner.
Firstly, communicate the stuff that is getting in the way of you feeling connected to your partner. If you are feeling anxious about his dinner date with an old girlfriend, say so - not to stop him going or make him feel guilty - but so that you are being real. When you show your vulnerability it allows an opportunity for real emotional connection - and for you to be supported and reassured. If you sit on those uncomfortable emotions, they don't go away. They start to form a barrier to intimacy - and that leads to disconnected sex (and often lack of desire for sex).
Secondly, communicate your desires. Expecting your partner to magically know what you want often leads to disappointment and frustration. Asking for what you want is empowering and sexy, particularly when done in an encouraging way. Show your arousal and ask for more of what works for you. Yes it's vulnerable - and it's a turn on for your partner, which fuels great sex.
2. Build emotional connection
Trust, safety and emotional connection are the building blocks of intimacy. So take the time to build this with your partner. You need to have a true friendship in which it's safe to share your hopes, fears, hurts, triumphs and disappointments. When you take risks in what you share with each other, it builds trust. If you only show your happy "everything's fine" face and bury the rest, intimacy doesn't stand a chance.
3. Connect more deeply with your own body
Great sex happens in the body, not in the mind. Make sure you're in it. Stay present. If you are drifting off thinking about dinner, tomorrow's must-dos, or fantasizing about someone or something else, you are not present. Sex triggers some powerful emotions including uncomfortable ones and this can cause a disconnect and checking out. Check in with yourself, am I really here? Use your breath to come back in and use your voice. Making sound increases sensation and presence.
Also make sure you are touching your body and exploring your body for pleasure outside of sex with a partner. Self pleasuring increases your knowledge of what works for you, and helps you feel nourished and good about being in your body.
4. Let go of the goal
If you are striving to reach orgasm. or thinking about whether your partner is or isn't nearly there, you are missing the opportunity for deep intimacy. Try letting it go and being present with what's here now between you. It can open the door to a much deeper, heart connected experience that goes far beyond physical pleasure.
So be willing to be vulnerable, communicate, build trust, let go of performing - and get present with the delight of being deeply intimate with your partner.
If you would like to know more, I am running a free online workshop 4 Steps to Better Sex next Wednesday 23 September 2015 at 10.30am AEST. You can sign up here: http://bit.ly/register4stepstobettersex